Welcome

Welcome to my secret diary. This is a work of fiction.  Any similarities in  the names of people, companies and places is pure coincidence.  I don’t want to get sacked.

Several years ago I went to visit the fabulous open air museum called Beamish in County Durham where every-thing is set in the Victorian era. We went down a mine where a local dressed as a Victorian miner explained that in Victorian times miners had to buy their own tools, were all self- employed and were paid by the quantity of coal they dug out. They worked six days a week and were not in receipt of any sick pay or holiday pay. They had to work long hours and dig out an awful lot of coal in order to make a living.

Victorian values

Working as a self-employed  Hermeanies Courier is just like that. You are entirely self- employed, work six days a week. You supply your own vehicle and pay for your fuel bills, insurance and vehicle maintenance.  There is no sick pay or holiday pay.  You are paid by the quantity of parcels that you deliver and have to deliver an awful lot in order to make a living.

If you do need to take time off for holiday or sickness My Nasty  Hermeanies insist that you find someone to do your round for you. You are warned that failure to do this will result in your round being taken away from you. In other words you will be thrown out of your job.

Pressure resulting in parcels going anywhere

You are only paid for the parcels that you deliver, normally resulting in My Hermeanies Couriers making determined attempts to deliver customers parcels when they are out.  A Hermeanies Courier will be thinking about where to place your parcel if you are out even before knocking on your door. Neighbours are often out too resulting in more pressure to find some where to place it. Some neighbours fed-up of having their door continuously pounded on loudly in the manner of the Police, by couriers are now refusing to take in their neighbours parcels.

Different Amazoom drivers cover my area every day. Whilst they are always different they are all under the quash of getting hundreds of parcels delivered in a day, in an area they don’t know. More often than not they leave parcels in very visible places outside people’s front doors. Even big cardboard boxes obviously containing expensive electrical items are left like this.  It’s crazy as the parcel is so visible. It is like saying to someone please come and nick me. It is also advertising that, “Hello this house is currently empty” to any potential burglars.  If it rains the cardboard box will not protect the items inside often in them being ruined.

Amazoom Drones

Amazoom plan to cut their costs even further by delivering your parcels by drone. Imagine in a few years- time, the sky being thick with cardboard boxed carrying drones dive bombing packages into people’s back gardens. Bad luck if you live in a flat as you wont get a delivery and spare a thought for all the poor old Amazoom drivers being put out of work by the drones. Another thing, why don’t Amazoom pay proper UK taxes.

Some actually good things about Hermeanies

One really good thing about My Hermeanies is that they allocate each courier an area to look after. It is excellent as you get to know your customers and get to know where they would like their parcels hidden. One lady leaves the key to her front cupboard in the lock and when I come along I place the parcels in the cupboard, lock the door and place the key in her letter box.

As a young child I regularly used to spend several weeks of my summer holidays with my grandparents who lived in the country-side. A friendly local character was the postman who whizzed around every-day delivering people’s mail.  He was a lovely man who knew everyone and had a cheerful friendly word for everyone. He was the soul of discretion and was always up to date with what was going on in the area. I was only little, but recall thinking that wouldn’t mind his job when I grew up.

Who would think that all those years later I would end up in a job like that.  I look after the same area every day and have enjoyed looking after my customers. I sometimes stop and have little friendly chats with them and I have become part of the local community.

Customers really love it when you use your initiative and find somewhere to hide their parcels when they are out.  They like the concept of personal service and the reassurance of knowing that their parcels will always be placed in the same hiding place when they are out. Places have included  even inside Little- Tikes cars, old coal houses, log stores, former outside loos, dog houses , recycling boxes , conservatories, green houses, tree houses, Wendy houses, garages , sheds , plant pots , under BBQ’s and covered garden furniture.

I have adapted that “I am a music man” song:

I am your Hermeanies man and I come from down your way

And I can say … I put your parcel in the bin, in the bin, in the bin ,

I put your parcel in the bin, in the bleeding bin.

I am your Hermeanies man and I come from down your way

And I can say …I put your parcel in the hedge in the hedge, in the hedge.

I put your parcel in the bin in the bin in the bin in the bleeding bin. And so on.

When people are in and actually do answer their door, you tend to find that most people are very pleased and grateful to receive their parcel. You get to see some wonderful smiles. You even see some, (mostly young women) quiver with excitement on receiving their new item of clothing. It can be quite fun and a funny thing to see.

We deliver parcels for Next and their parcels are given priority and are normally delivered the very Next day after people have ordered. The Next customers appear to appreciate the good service and in my experience are mostly really nice.

It is true when they say that women’s faces are far more expressive than those of men. Most men’s faces appear quite dead pan on the doorstep occasionally stretching to a wry smile.  Meanwhile the whole varieties of facial expressions that women pull are quite remarkable. I wish I had a secret camera to record them.  The most extreme are women who appear to have trained themselves into excessive overacting and putting lots of makeup on. Their thankyou’s can be exceptionally manic involving waving arms and mock gracious body language. When one of these ladies says good-bye you know she really means it.  That said the overwhelming majority of women answering the door are really good humoured, good natured and really lovely.

Although the items sent out in beige bags tend to be for our elderly customers you can never really make assumptions or stereotype people. One of my favourite customers is an 87 year old lady who loves watching football on the telly she supports Tottenham and really enjoys talking about football alongside all her health issues. Pay attention when she talks about excessive dribbling.

Being a self- employed poor old My Hermeanies Courier does have a few benefits. Moderate exercise of walking and delivering can be good for you. It’s good to drive along and to listen to the radio. I enjoy being part of the local community and chatting occasionally with people. I enjoy the flexibility of organising the way I work. Whilst I can’t survive on My Hermeanies earnings it supplements my other income from other jobs. Most Hermeanies couriers can’t survive on their Hermeanies pay and earn money elsewhere.

At our local sub-depot there is plenty of good banter and none of the Couriers appear frightened of working hard and fast.  Super-fit Adrian has two rounds and delivers about 150 parcels per day, rushing around, between 8am and 4 pm every day and then delivers pizzas in the evenings. He literally runs and jogs as he does all the deliveries. Zelda, typical of many of the women at the depot, attacks her work really hard and does cleaning people’s houses in between in order to supplement her inadequate pay from Hermeanies.

76 year-old Ronnie walks like a cowboy who has just got off his horse. His legs seem to bow outwards. He has been working for Hearmeanies since he retired at 64 and he says he hasn’t had a rise in the parcel rate that Hermeanies pay him in all that time.  In other words Hermeanies haven’t raised his pay for the last 12 years.  Getting in and out of his car all the time delivering parcels wore out his hip joints resulting in him having them both replaced . We call him the bionic man. His wife struggled on with the round whilst he was away recuperating to avoid him getting sacked by Hermeanies.

Di Davies is a rugged red-faced Welshman who is forever saying “Now look you boyo.” He is short but very stocky and with a nose that is bent in the middle.  He has a lovely twinkle in the eyes for the ladies and a wicked grin that reveals a missing tooth lost in a game of rugby in the Welsh valley’s many years ago.  Being ex-army he wears a commando hat and clipboard in hand he darts around the place setting out his parcels on the warehouse floor with military precision. Formerly a front row forward he runs around the place holding a parcel as if it were a rugby ball. Best not to get in his way. He is a lovely chap though.

Booohooo

Did you see that programme on the telly about Booohooo and how it treats its warehouse staff so badly and couldn’t give a booohooo about them?  Booohooo  appear so nasty and oppressive, spare a thought for their staff.

No ! How could Hermeanies be so mean

Hermeanies have just dismissed “Now look you boyo Di Davies”.  He had his old battered van stolen and it was full of parcels.  Hermeanies have instantly sacked him.  Di Davies has 8 children and will now find it hard to provide for his family.  Somebody told me that he has already been to the food bank.  All the other couriers are upset as we all miss him and so do his customers.

Not Business Sense

Di Davies’ round has gone to pot and the customers are really angry and upset with Hermeanies. Residents living on the rough council estate in Borchester are talking on facebook about totally boycotting Hermeanies and to making their estate a Hermeanies no go area. Most of the other couriers won’t touch his round.  The only one who has been going out with the parcels has been old Ronnie, with his painful bow legs, but he has been really struggling with it.  A lot of the houses on the rural part of the round are so hard to find , being deep in the Borcester country-side with lots of woods and houses with no names. Only Di knew his way around and where his customers wanted their parcels placed.  Ronnie is unable to cope with this additional workload and is starting to look really tired. A huge backload of parcels is now waiting to be delivered and is building up and up.  No collections are being done either.  Every-thing is now a mess. You see it made no business  sense for Hermeanies to have sacked Di Davies.  None at all.

Hand Held Mean Machines that look like 1980’s Delboy Phones.

Hermeanies Couriers estimate that we could do our rounds one to two hours faster if we did not have these unsightly and gashly machines. They are huge chunky things that look like Delboy phones.  They are so slow and unresponsive. Tap it and it seems to take about a minute to respond.  The screen often goes completely blank and then freezes. It is also almost impossible to read in the sunlight  and the only way round this is to cover yourself and the machine in a black bin bag.  The machine also frequently crashes and jams completely.  You then have to reboot it by taking the battery out and this can be a lengthy and frustrating process. Sometimes the machine crashes at a most inconvenient time such as when you have been scanning your parcels in.  This results in you having to scan in all your parcels in again. Not only is this really annoying but it can easily add at least another hour to your day.

What utter meanness…..Are you joking ?

The Hermeanies machine is so annoying that you feel like chucking it on the road and driving all over it.  After a while you give up trying to tussle with it and realise that the only way forwards is to contact the Hermeanies help desk.  But when you contact them on your mobile can you believe it, Hermeanies actually charge you something astronomical to call their help desk to sort out their machine. They asked me all sorts of questions when I called and then kept putting me on hold and played horrid music to me.  This went on and on until my phone went dead when I had used up all my credit.  I couldn’t believe it that I had blown so much money  just to call them.

Buy a Hermeanies Uniform and look like you belong in an HMP

As a Hermeanies Courier you don’t get given a uniform but you can have the pleasure of shelling out lots of money and purchasing one from Hermeanies and you will end up looking like you belong in an HMP.   Her Magesty’s Pleasure.